Conversations with the family

Cousin #2 giving my 17-year-old sister wise advice about men.

Me: So S, you should NEVER EVER stay with a guy who hits you. Those guys are total jerks. Walk out as soon as possible!

Cousin # 2: Remember what I told you to do to a guy if he ever hits you?

S: Hit him in the groin?

Cousin # 2: Yes, because the pain there is undescribable. Not just hit– knee.

S: Oh yea, remember that scene in Casino Royale? (Describes Casino Royale torture scene involving testicles).

Me: *gags*

Cousin # 2: Yes, exactly. Every guy in the theater groaned at that. Because let me tell you– you hurt a guy there, and he’ll never forget. Ever. So if a guy ever abuses you, be sure to hurt him there. Then leave.

(Later, on the topic of clothes)

Cousin # 2: Make sure you wear fitted clothing, especially tops. Because if you bend over, EVERY straight guy’s gaze will just shift downward.

S (nods wisely): I understand.

—-

A week ago:

Aunt: Is your bedroom window open?

Me: Yup, the weather is great!

Aunt (dubiously): Well.. close it before you sleep.

Me: Why?

Aunt (ominously): MS-13.

Me: The gang?

Aunt: Yes.

Me: You think they’re going to come to our backyard? Why would they come to our backyard?

Aunt: They’re not that far away.

Me: They’re at least two miles away– infighting! I don’t think they plan on coming to our backyard. What would they do anyway?

Aunt: You never know.

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A blog post about how to do a good podcast: “Tip # 12: If you’re doing interviews, don’t be Charlie Rose. In other words, shut your stupid face and let your guest talk.”

Ohh Charlie. Mishri still loves you.