Entries Tagged 'me' ↓

So I just got my visa. I think. I got an e-mail notice this morning from USCIS, which states that they sent an approval notice. I know the notice goes to my lawyer, so sooner or later I’ll have paper proof of my legal right to live here for three more years.

Wow.

I was pretty excited this morning– now I’m just a little dazed, and a little emotional.

Dazed, because I need to get a whole lot of paperwork approved when I go to India; the law states that if I want to travel overseas, then I have to apply for the work visa at the US Consulate in my home country and then re-enter the US. Navigating the Consulate’s Chennai Web site gave me a slight headache.

It’s funny how I proactively followed through on the entire visa process in the United States, without any parent or relative or surrogate’s help. To be sure I had a very cooperative employer. But I did the initial consultation myself, and figured out a lot of things on my own. Yet when it comes to this final hurdle, and one which involves India, I look to my father to help because working my way through the US end of the system in India intimidates and confuses me.

This morning I called my parents and told them. My dad was jubilant, my mum admitted that she was happy for me and a little sad. I noted the reaction mentally, and moved on. Now that I think about it, it’s sad. It’s sad that I’m far away from people I really love. It’s equally sad that if I were to live there, I’d be unhappy because it doesn’t suit my personality. So I have to choose between people I love and a place where I love to live. I don’t think about this choice everyday, because a) it would kill me b) My day-to-day life is pleasant, comfortable and fulfilling. I have a good job, nice friends, and I talk to my family every weekend. It works for me.

Now everything feels like it’s thrown off-balance. I need to get my tickets, get my appointment at the Consulate, fly to India (which I dislike), get the visa process complete, spend three weeks there with the friends and family, and come back.

When I’m there, I hate the first few days because it’s not like my life here– I feel helpless, confused, and out of place. After a couple of weeks of being there with my family and friends, I feel bad about coming back to the States, and miss them terribly. Then I realize that the only things I like about India are my family and friends. If they weren’t there, I wouldn’t ever go back. And it’s a big ridiculous circle of sadness.

Eventually the sun comes out again, and I realize how f’ing blessed I am, in more ways than I can even count. And I try to hold on to that, even as I miss everyone there.

Friday’s talk went off great! We had three other panelists there– two older AU alumni from the school of business, and one who was my age. The audience was fairly small, about 30 people, but they all seemed pretty engaged, and asked some great questions.

One of the things I stressed to these students was the importance of being proactive in dealing with the visa process. In my case I hired the lawyer myself, went to a pre-consult with the lawyer, figured out most of the process, and then went to my company. Some people seemed surprised or even impressed that I was so involved, but I believe it’s the only way to do it. When navigating something as tricky, complex and uncertain as getting a U.S. visa, the best place to be is in the THICK of things. I don’t claim to understand most of the laws, but I understand enough that I can explain it to my employer. And that’s what matters.

Writing this blog is an exercise in fighting self-consciousness. It’s a bit like how I make friends. It takes me a while– and I’m slow to say much to people I don’t know. In fact, I’m overtly cautious, weighing every remark before I say it. But once I know people, that filter apparently disappears (and not always to good effect).  I’m hoping that with time my blogging will be a bit more like talking to a friend, than a stranger.

I was watching David McCullough today on Charlie Rose. He was talking about he  started writing. He says that the key to writing is to just keep at it, because you’ll never learn unless you do. Although that’s very inspiring, I don’t know if I could ever write a book, especially something historic, like he did. I’ve just never had the inclination to go that deeply into any one subject.

However, he did make a good point about what attracts people to his work, and what motivates him to keep writing: character study.  The people make the story.  Popular work typically focuses on characters over events, showing how the characters were shaped by and shape events. When I wrote articles in college,   my favorite pieces were the people-focused ones. Sometimes the people’s stories spoke of a bigger issue; other times, it was just interesting for its own sake.

At present, I don’t do a lot of people-writing in my daily life. So I’m trying to think of ways to get into that mode.. of interviewing, talking to people again, hearing their stories, and communicating it to the wider world. I thought I’d start with interviews and stories of my family. Not to be posted here, necessarily, but mostly for our own records and for my own curiosity.

I’ve learned a couple of things over the past few months. Two of them are seemingly mutually exclusive. The first is the idea of not trying to control everything– not getting anxious about things I can’t control, not worrying about the future, etc.

The second is the idea of not being fatalistic– to avoid thinking that things are out of my control, that I must resign myself to my fate, etc.

On the surface, they seem to be opposites. Doesn’t letting go at some level mean accepting that I have no control?

That’s how I saw it before. But I don’t see it that way anymore. What I know is, that I can’t control every aspect of my future. I can’t anticipate who will hire me, or where I’ll live in 20 years, or how healthy my parents will be or whether I’ll be married. Worrying about those things or worrying about the uncertainty related to those things, does little for my present well being.

At the same time, it’s so easy to say ‘who knows, I have no control. I can’t help what I am.’ Because I can. I can change. I can be a better person.

I guess for a very long time, I’ve thought that circumstances and other people can be changed, but that I can’t. Now I’m realizing that I have limited control over circumstances and other people… but I possess infinite control of myself. Now it’s up to me to make the most of that new knowledge.

The hardest thing for me to do is to avoid looking back or looking to the future. Staying in the moment. It’s a cliche, and yet true. And it’s something I find myself striving for, everyday. And each time I get a little closer, I become a little happier.